When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…
In my career as a lumberjack I cut exactly 58,274 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
Online college
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate.
And I’ll name the other DupliKate.
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
Time zones are very confusing. Like it’s may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe
and 1954 in america Edit: *june not may
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
What’s the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws
Outlaws are wanted.
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film”
"Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her"
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they're good buoys.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
What country doesn’t take cash or credit?
The Czech Republic
What do you call a color that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: I’m learning by diffusion
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Don’t take life too seriously.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?
It comes in at one end, and out the udder
![Jovial Electropherogram [not mine]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/jrlo1jt5tq641-400x186.jpg)
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s
Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls. "That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike. "I bet I can do something you can't" he says. "Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots. "Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says "We didn't see anything, you liar" "You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."
A guy went to a Halloween party wearing regular clothes with his girlfriend sitting on his shoulder…..
…the host said where's your costume? The guy said I'm wearing a costume – I'm a snail. The host said you're a snail? The guy said yes, a snail, and pointed to his girlfriend and said this is Michelle.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A 4-chin-teller
It’s a young blonde genie’s first day on the job…
It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job. After returning to genie HQ from her very first charge, she is clearly distraught. The other genies, concerned, ask her what's wrong. She tells them of the young man who's wishes she granted. For his first wish, he asked for a truckload of money. Easy enough, *poof* I provide him with a huge truck, filled top to bottom with cash, and he appears very happy. For his second wish, he wants to be adored by hundreds of beautiful women. I Grant him this wish as well. All the women who are walking by smile and wink at him. One of her fellow genies says, " well, that all sounds great, why are you so upset?" Our genie replies, the last wish is what I just don't understand. He seemed so happy with his first two wishes, why with his third did he wish to be hung like a black man?
I know of a bald guy that got a comb for his birthday.
He said he could never part with it.
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely…
…if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.