When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
My friend refused to believe he was gay and a dyslexic.
He was in Daniel.
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
Shot my first turkey today..
scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
Anyone else feel like they’re done for the year :’)
Anyone else feel like they’re done for the year :’)
A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.
The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.” The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.” The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train.” The man says, “I know, but she has a good personality.”
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
Sex Therapy
A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… "
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
Happy National Limerick Day!! Here’s the classic one for you if you didnt know it.
There once was man from Nantucket Who's dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
A nun goes to the priest and says “father, there’s a hole in the roof of your church.”
"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church." The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman. The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?" The nun nods and goes looking for it. It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"
When You Realize That WWE Is Nothing Like High School Wrestling
When You Realize That WWE Is Nothing Like High School Wrestling
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
“Hey dad, I’m taking a shower”
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years…
he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
You can do better
You can do better
Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
How did harry potter get down the hill?
he came running jk rowling