When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.
The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister. "Hmm, Yes it is" "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the AP points in a direction "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets" The minister just nods. A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister's home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion. He asks the minister, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says "You see that bridge over there?" The AP replies "No"
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
My wife didn’t think I’ll give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t see in the dark…
Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”
Because you're not around.
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
My Patient just told me this joke and i can’t stop laughing
George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise. On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought – who could it be ? Then the doorbell rang again. He got up and walked up to the door. As he opened the door, he was greeted by this young bombshell blonde, donned in a sexy little red dress with matching red lipstick and red heels. As he says Hi, she replies – Are you George ? He says- Yes, I am. She says – I am from SuperSex. George pauses for a minute. And then says nonchalantly, I'll have the soup please.
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi's
Why was mission control so tense when NASA launched a cow into orbit?
It was a high steaks mission.
How warm is a janitor’s closet?
Broom Temperature.
I don’t trust stairs
They’re always up to something
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
I don’t have a “dad bod”…
I have a father figure.
![….yep [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/5rnyflkg09q41-400x413.png)
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
I slept with a blind woman the other night. It went pretty well, mostly.
Once the clothes came off she said to me "You have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on" I said, "Stop pulling my leg."