When I was little I used to look like this:
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A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me to masturbate in the cup.
I said: "Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete yet."
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused on my trip to Japan
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, 'My door is always open!'
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "5,000$" she replies. "5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "15,000$" she replies. "15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
I saw glass coffins are now a thing and I wonder if they’ll be popular?
Remains to be seen
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
I need some help fixing my new pen.
Anyone have any tips?
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
It takes balls to be a semen donor
No text found
“I went on a date with a girl to Yo Sushi,” said my buddy.
"How was it?" I asked. "Oh, you know…when one things lead to another…" he said coyly. "Yes," I replied. "That's called the conveyor belt."
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
I have a complex complex complex…
How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?
It's not hard
What’s the difference between The Bloods and Superman?
One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.
My ex and I had a safe word
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution.”
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop – and sure enough – there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door. "$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says. The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers. "$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend." He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end. A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here." The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign. "You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
What did the bee say to the daffodil? 🌼
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
Nurse: “My phone just died.”
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”
What do you call a flower getting a sex change?
A Transplant
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says…
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' … and she's always sound asleep."
