When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
LPT: If you have trouble remembering your password, find a picture of some running shoes and stare at it.
maybe it'll help jog your memory.
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
I bought two left hand gloves
On one hand it feels great, on the other hand, not so much
“Son, you’re adopted”.
Son: "Wow really? I'd never have guessed!". Dad: "Im glad you're taking this so well". Son: "Well I did have my suspicions". Dad: "yes yes, anyway go pack your bags, your new parents will be here in 10 minutes".
A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.
So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd, and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and tells him: 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?
As a guitarist, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…
Golf Joke…What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?
The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls
A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
Insert joke here
Insert punchline here
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".
I ate a clock yesterday and it was very time consuming.
especially when I went for seconds
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?
The hip replacement guy
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back for seconds
Joke
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
Two faced
When my daddy first seen me, he said "oh look, he's got my smile". Mom said "That's his backside, turn him over."
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
Someone has been sneaking into my garden and adding top soil…
The plot thickens.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant…
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”
The government has been shut down for more than 15 days….
We can all legally leave.
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.