When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Anti-vaxxers are the biggest hypocrites. How?
They've been vaccinated. We know this because: •They're over three years old •They're retarded.
I saw an advert that read “Radio for sale, $1.00, volume stuck of full”
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, “I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner…”
"…has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
Chubby Karen unable to pray Covid-19 away. Unfortunately, Lots of them to go.
https://ift.tt/39SbQEm
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
Why are so many people tired on April 1st?
they just finished a 31 day March.
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
I had a cracker for lunch.
First square meal I've had in days.
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor?
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 🙁
Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
No text found
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
NSFW
I bought a safe for my home
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse
but she was just pulling my leg.
Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
Did you know chickens die after sex?
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”