When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Pen and paper is a great way to write stuff down, but I prefer using a whiteboard.
They’re just so remarkable…
What color is the wind??
Blew!
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Slightly NSFW joke
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
That’s how mafia works
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
CV for Family Tech Support
Experience for more than 12 family members over 20 years:Master in finding the cable that was not plugged.PhD in being the only one able to navigate menus using the arrow buttons of the remote. (That there exists no other solution doesn’t mean they won’t try.)Trustee of the recovery address of a legion of emails.Knows what a file is.Wizard-like competence to circumvent user experience failures. (“Yes, yes, you really need to slide your finger from the top of the screen to see a search bar!”)Ability to suffer through 10+ configuration steps over the phone. Including the endless repetition of “No, no, this won’t delete anything”, “You don’t need that”, and the crowd pleasing “No, you don’t want to read the privacy policy”.Uncanny power to spot what is actually a computer and needs to be rebooted, like TV sets and smart watches.Knows what a backup is.Privacy aware: can remove malware from your computer without snarky comments about the shady sites that you visit and more generally, can see things I shouldn’t while debugging your devices and keep it to myself.Understands that charging your computer with your phone charger doesn’t work.Doesn’t hate you, yet.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
Someone broke into my place and stole my limbo stick.
Just how low can some people go?
I recently took a pole
I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.
Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. “So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.” The second man says: “I arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.” The third man says: “I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”
Thanks to being furloughed I have finally had time to clean out my attic.
I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
What did the President say when his prepared remarks got blown away by the wind?
Nothing, he was speechless.
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Why do teenage girls only hang around in groups of odd numbers?
Because OMG they can’t even.
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
I teach high school English and this is my go to:
Student: “Hey can you check this to see if it’s right?” Student hands me their writing. Me, holding their paper upside down: “well, first of all, it’s written upside down.” And then I give it back to them and walk away as if nothing happened.
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden.
The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night." "That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!" "No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the water. "Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied. The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man asked. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?"
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
Two Pretzels Were Walking Down The Road
One got a-salted.
