When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language…
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving. As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". Germany argued that this may make the EU more inviting to the UK in the future. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
to be frank,
I'd have to change my name
3d printers can print guns now
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me I’ll be terrible at it.
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.
They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
The vagina has more than eight thousand nerve endings
But, it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
Last night I went to a Christian themed restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do take away.
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
There are two types of people. People who need closure
No text found
Before Beyoncé got married,
she was someone's Feyoncé
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
“YOU’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE!”
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. (credit goes to my mom)
Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?
He’s called Broco Lee.
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s brain…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
An influenzer.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
Astronaut 1: hey I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
A police officer just pulled me over. The officer came up to my window and said “papers?”
I yelled “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now… I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
My dad died last year because I couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying be positive, but it's been really hard without him.
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”. A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
There’s a lot of big words you’re hearing little buddy, I know it’s confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
An Irishmen walks into NASA and says
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
I can never go back
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy attends Surgery and the doctor enquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."