When i was younger i had a invisible Japanese friend…
as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly…
and as you can see, they were Wright.
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
What do you call a flirty philosoper?
A Socra-tease
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him…
As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears!? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin! No blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming….that was me."
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I don’t usually tell Dad jokes,
But when I do, he usually laughs
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible
No text found
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large…
so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help. The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous surgeon in the world to get some help. The man asked “Surgeon, is there any surgery you can do to make my penis smaller?” The surgeon said “No, but I think a shaman might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous shaman in the world to get some help. The man asked “Shaman, is there any spell you can cast to make my penis smaller?” The shaman said “I can help you with your problem. All you have to do is ask the most beautiful woman in the world to sleep with you. The man was discouraged after getting so close to his goal, but he decided he had nothing to lose so he went out to find that woman. The man asked the woman “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Ew, no.” The man was about to give up when he realized that his penis shrunk by 5 inches. Curious, he asked the woman again. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Didn’t you just hear me? I said no.” The man’s penis shrunk again by 5 inches. He realized that if he could get the woman to say no one more time, he’d have a 10 inch penis, which was the perfect size. Excited, he asked the woman one final time. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman, enraged, said “Are you deaf? How many times to I have to tell you so that you understand me? NO, NO, NO!”
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell people he was a vegan.
The pool on the titanic is still full…
Let that sink in
Why did the man refuse to throw out his recliner?
Because they go waaaaaay back.
It’s my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes… Why couldn’t the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?
Because he was already stuffed… Sorry, I'll do better next year – definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he’ll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.
He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself. The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in bed covers. She goes into her house and finds her son hauling what covers remain out the door. "Jeffrey!" she exclaims, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" "You don't know?" the kid says, "Sheet posts are the best way to get the car, ma!!"
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
It’s probably stuck in the mail.
A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father. “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said. “You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”