When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
Just this morning she asked, “Is that the best you can do?”
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
When I was younger I threw a boomerang and it went super far and out of sight. I always wondered where it went
and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
…I’m one of them.
Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.
but when I do, he laughs
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
They both died to become the icon of saving.
They only had a pair of trunks!
That my only greeting is from a microwave.
I'll go on ahead.
One, because men can be feminists too.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
I lost my case
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
With cutting edge technology.
No text found
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
Dad: In the US Son: Which part? Dad: What "which part", my whole body was born in the US
She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.