When it’s always someone else’s fault…
So we can think about a solution in silence.
He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.” The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”
Well, it’s hard to say.
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
but none of them work
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
I need closure.
…don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
Because he can neverland.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
She drinks straight from the bottle
Down for the count
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."
It was about a week back.
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since he’s seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how that’s possible after what he’s just seen. “Oh that,” the man says. “Well, tonight’s my night to be the Designated Decoy.”
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.