When life gives you lemons…
He’s a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder. Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Freddy! I’m here to pick up Betty! We’re gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?” The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can’t see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Jim! I’m here to pick up Kim! We’re gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?” The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Joe! I’m here to pick up Flo! We’re gonna go to a show! Can she go?” By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Chuck—“ and the farmer shoots him.
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
He is now called winnie the flu
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"
Because they have anty bodies.
buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it’s fucking the geese and the ducks too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, " You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Shhhhhh! They are about to land!"
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
Just kidding, Redditors don’t socialize
I rest in peas.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
He nuts and bolts.
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
… arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "…plus a constant."
Only a fraction of people know this
Now I don't know where I am.
Makes you an eighth theist.
His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute." All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another. The prosecution says: "she didn't walk in." "But the fact that you were all staring at the door expectantly proves that there is reasonable doubt." The jury discusses. The defendant is found guilty. "How can you send a man to prison on such flimsy evidence?" The lawyer says. One juror says: "In the three minutes that passed, I looked through the courtroom, and I saw that the defendant was the only person who didn't look at the door even once."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
And then she gave me a huge hug.
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt- hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ……….added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" " Georgia , sir." the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Georgia ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Georgia ." "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
They'd crack each other up
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…