When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered…
Me and my wife have different dentists…
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
Don’t take life too seriously.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?
Same middle name
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.
The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.
The owner of a circus goes into the big top to inspect it
While he's there this scrawny little guy walks in. He walks over to the boss, and he says ''Are you the boss here?'' The circus owner says, ''Yeah. What do you want?'' The kid says, ''I'd like to join the circus. I got an act." The carnie is intrigued, so he says, ''Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is.'' So this little guy goes over to the center pole and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top. And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms. And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. Pshew! He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes. Then he gets all the way up and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground. Flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And once he's safe on the ground again the kid asks, ''Well, what do you think?'' The which the boss says, ''That's all you do? Bird imitations?''
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71. Sorry guys.
A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack.
The gunstore owner says: She just fell into my arms
Where did the Swedish cross country race end?
The Finnish line
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
Zombie Mr. Clean
wants your draaaiiins
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.
I told her I’ll try not doing it again.
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
I’m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground…
She immediately raised it above her head and said, “This is a stick up!” (Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)
