When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.
Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…
…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors and not 4?
http://bit.ly/2ECQ4Zh
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
I beat my swimming coach in a boxing fight.
He threw in the towels.
By the time you realize you’re not in shape
it's too far to walk back.
What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio
Kentuckians
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
Up next: How to sound good in a band…
Stay tuned!!
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
Funny because it’s ironic and Sad because corona time will never be the same again. 😭
https://ift.tt/3bhTAoM
Don’t date tennis players…
Love means nothing to them
I finally found out why Nurses Cary red crayons
Incase they have to Draw blood.
I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh “is this the punch line?”
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
https://ift.tt/2vazgX4
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…
…the NSA will finally read it.
My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
What do you call a drunk coffee?
Amerrycano.
What do you call a stupid fish?
A dumBass