When my wife asked why I had a band-aid on my finger, I told her I got into an argument with a knife.
It had a better point.
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand store
A man was naked on the beach
He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts. A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat” He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself” EDIT: Y’all so sensitive if the genders were reversed you would say the guy is harassing the girl
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Hello Earthlings from Vortex.
Hello Earthlings from Vortex.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nods… “I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day." “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor. “No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man…
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says. The Mexican responds, “How about $50?” The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.” The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!” The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didn’t pay attention.” A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asks. “Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. “And by the way,” the Mexican adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW"
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
*Ron Howard voice* they were put in the 3rd floor of a building with a history of elevator issues
*Ron Howard voice* they were put in the 3rd floor of a building with a history of elevator issues
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
I remember 2018…
Like it was yesterday.
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
How are you supposed to know its funny if the background doesn’t tell you so??
https://ift.tt/2UxT6W5
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
I started a company…
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
I wasn’t sure if I liked my beard…
But it’s growing on me.
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
An advice was given to a depressed car
It was: you have no more energy to live, you just need to fuel more yourself.
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
He had no body to go with
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing…. it just let out a little wine.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on amazon.
I will let you know.
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.