When other students ask why I don’t use a fancy debugger
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…
Why was 10 traumatized?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
Did you know 2×10 is same as 2×11 ?
One is twenty and other is twenty too.
The inventor of anagrams died today.
May he 'erect a penis'.
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
NSFW
Deciding not to wear a helmet to your construction job.
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
It takes guts
To be an organ donor
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Grimey
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
I don’t get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.
There is a vas deferens between the two.
Alabama has decided to force women to carry babies conceived by rape and incest, to term.
Because if they didn't, the state's population would die out pretty quickly.
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili…
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
Have you heard the joke about procrastination?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
