When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again
How To Convince Your Wife You Haven’t Been Drinking
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
What was the name of the werewolf YouTuber?
Lycan Subscribe
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
Jim walked into a bar……
Jim, walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender ”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat, I want everyone to eat!” The bartender complies to this by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and everyone else, their meals Just as everybody finishes their food, Jim again yells ”Give me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, cause when I drink, I want everybody to drink! Everyone is elated and cheers for Jim When Jim is done with his drink, he yells, yet again "Bring everybody their bill, because when I pay mine, I want everyone else to pay theirs '
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.
In the early 1900’s, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.
Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie Cars is called “Radiator Springs.”
It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."
What do you call a zombie who writes his own music?
A decomposer.
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
….I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker
One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "Son, knock yourself out." knowing full well that he couldn't possibly get milk from milkweed. Sure enough, Billy came back to Mr. Johnson with 2 pails of milk. Little Billy thanked the now shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door again. "Afternoon Mr. Johnson, I noticed ya had some buttercups growing in your backyard, mind if I get some butter?" Curious this time around, Mr. Johnson replied, "Sure son, go right ahead." knowing full well he couldn't possibly get butter from a buttercup. Sure enough, Billy came back with 2 buckets of butter. Again, Billy thanked a now even more shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day little Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door for a third time. Mr. Johnson, very intrigued by little Billy's strange requests eagerly greeted the young man. "How can I help you today son?" said Mr. Johnson. "Well sir, I noticed ya had some pussy willows growing in your backyar-" and before Billy could finish Mr. Johnson interrupted, "Hold on Billy! Let me go get my boots!"
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”
I met an Australian guy who works in IT.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.
When thrown at a close-range, especially.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I saw two women exercising today.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
![We are all [synonym for socialists] on this blessed day](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/pyzao67ro1o41-400x267.jpg)
An Irishman walks past a bar.
Just kidding.
