When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
A man walks up to a bar and sits down. He puts a frog on the bar next to him.
A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog sits next to him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "what's with the frog?" The man looks at the woman and says, "this is my pet frog. He's very special." "Why?", asked the woman. " Well, I've taught this frog how to pleasure women orally." The woman laughs, but the man is serious. After more drinks the woman agrees to let the man prove it. So they go out back to the man's car, the woman drops trou, and the man places the frog between her legs and tells the frog, "Alright buddy, go to town." The frog just sits there doing nothing. "Come on, man. Don't be shy!" Still, the frog does nothing. "This is your moment to shine!" But the frog doesn't move. So the man picks up the frog, looks the frog in the eyes and says, "This is the last time I'm gonna show you how to do this!!"
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
When you hire entry-level developers to build a production app because you’re that cheap!
https://ift.tt/2TIj5tG
What does “kayak” sound like upside down?
"Blblblblblvllgllgl"
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.
Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn't Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa's little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
A professional limbo player walks into a bar,
He was disqualified
Why can’t you stay up until the cows come home?
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife
She asked, "how many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said, "it's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet. The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?" "Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time." "But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks. "Well, then I just call them by their last names."
I was on the motorway and desperate for a wee.
"Quick, pass me your bottle!" I told my son, grabbing my crotch. Bloody useless that boy. He just sat there crying in his car seat.
Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car?
So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!” You’re welcome.
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
Why hasn’t Barbie ever gotten pregnant?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
Republican’s ultimate alpha-male. More paranoid than a Kardashian of ruining his makeup.
https://ift.tt/3b7zJsh
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
What happens when someone steals uranium
It becomes theiranium
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
Top tier dad joke
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
