when sketchy imitates life
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
What is a horse’s favorite kind of wine ?
Caberneigh…
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
[National dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
Punguins
/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. “Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because Dshells were too big.
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
Just thought you people might enjoy my Halloween costume last year more than my friends did
https://ift.tt/3bzwcUG
What’s red and bad for you’re teeth?
A Brick.
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, “In five years time you will have 3 children.”
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
What do u call a tower of pizza boxes?
The leaning tower of pisa
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
What makes cars look faster?
No text found
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.
So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd, and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and tells him: 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?
Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
I’m getting sick of them
Knock knock
Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas! Knock knock. Who's there? Anna. Anna who? Anna happy new year! Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit 🙂
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
I found an origami porn channel.
But it's paper view only.
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"