When someone I don’t like walks in 🤣😂🤣😂
The other day I yelled into a colander.
I strained my voice.
Two engineering students were walking across campus…
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike." The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town
They are most likely going to face time
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Do I have COVID-19?
Or did you just take my breath away?
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it. I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand.
The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
Picked my dog up from getting fixed. This is how he looked. (He’s just fine today!)
https://ift.tt/3bSVqh1
Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.
“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests. “We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?” “Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.” Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, “Sorry, no pets allowed.” “Can’t you see?” says Jim. “I am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.” “But it’s a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?” the host asks. “Oh,” Jim responds, “you must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.” John responds angrily, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs…
"Really?" she said, "Go on then…try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied.
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.
I remember 2018…
Like it was yesterday.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
