When someone says something so dumb you just have to say “ummm”
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Why didn’t the angry customer want to hear what the employee had to say?
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line
At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''… "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
I’m really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
Why can’t Ganondorf surf the web?
Cause there's too many Links
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
What are Mario’s jeans made of?
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
I was driving along when this man waved me down.
I stopped the car and he asked me if I could give him a few directions. 'Certainly,' I replied, 'up, down, east and west.' Then I drove off.
Just spent 8 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a waist of time.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
My account is a joke
It’s April fools and my cake day
People who wear glasses must be excited for next year
It's the first time they'll see 2020
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all…
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high..
..My door is always open.
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center…
You've seen the mall!
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
No text found
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you? "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please." "Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."
I can’t take my dog to the pond any more, the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
NSFW
Oral sex in the morning? I call that a Head Start.
