When someone says something so dumb you just have to say “ummm”
A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.
So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd, and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and tells him: 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?
Sad but true
I’m on stage 4
My father sent me this and I dont even know what to say
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, “Giraffe, don’t smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!”
The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr Sheep, don't do heroin! Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!" The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr Tiger, don't drink beer! Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!" The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw and starts mauling the shit out of the rabbit! The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they scream, "Dude, what the fuck!? He was just trying to help you!" The tiger turns to them and growls, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"
What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Wtf is air dad?
How would you define propaganda?
When a British person gets a really good look at something.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
I would like to make chemistry jokes on this subreddit
But all the good ones Argon
Who can carry petrol?
You can’t tell me what to do
The wrong branch too…
I got gas today and it only cost $1.39!
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
[interesting and funny title]
Good guy macrophages.
Hahaha FuNnY number
There’s only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice
And that’s Chris Brown
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
Just putting this out there
Flush the wife, happy life.
Pretty relavent right now.
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
I don’t get people who call it a first world problem when they can’t charge their phones
African kids can't charge their phones either.
My Compilation Professor, everyone
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
Bros Vs. Hoes.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
Shared on Facebook unironically by my uncle
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
I think we all know the answer.
My mom thinks this is hilarious
DaM MilLenIaLs wAnT fAiR RepResEntaTion
Don’t be worried about your smart phone or laptop spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
Deep down inside I know it’s not going to work
Java is the best
The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
Little meme that I made.
When it ended up being an obvious fix
Son: “Do you want the wooden one or the plastic one?”
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
Boooooooo, you stink
Corporations are People
Non-essential employee then proceeds to exacerbate crisis by speaking and toilet tweeting
Patriotism vs. Nationalism
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
We are rewriting history folks
What car do lawyers love?
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
An interesting title
A date which will live in infamy…
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
He’s not wrong
A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas
Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean
Ashley spoke too soon