A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife. “Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say “Get down Mr. President!”
Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"
I’m developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
I played “My Heart Will Go On” on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
What do you call a $1000 door?
A grand entrance
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today. Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
A man approaches his best friend’s wife one day
when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks. "No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?" "Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave $1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because Dshells were too big.
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
How did Jesus pay for our sins
He used praypal
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her.
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though, firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since…
And man, the Times are tough!!!
I’m so unfamiliar with the gym these days…
I call it James.