When the choice was 2 type of evil, people chose the worse!
Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.” Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. โYou have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.โ The teacher thinks for a moment and says, โFor my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.โ Poof! The jewels appear. โFor my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.โ Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. โI can give you anything in the world,โ he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. โAs a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote โlambโ instead of โlamp.โ Please correct my mistake.โ The genie moaned in anguish. โThis is Reddit,โ he shouted. Once you post it, you canโt edit the title. โIn that case,โ the teacher smiled, โIt looks like Iโve got myself a genie for eternity.โ
Just got a job as the senior director of the old McDonald farm
Iโm the CIEIO
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, โIโm sorry, Dad.โ
Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, Iโm Dad. Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, โAre you fucking sorry?โ
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. Sheโs dead and berried.
If you get in a fight at the circus…
You should go for the juggler.
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can't C in the dark.
“I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds”
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
No text found
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
โYou finally found it, my secret stacheโ
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didnโt know she even sold flowers!
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
For a second, I couldnโt decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse
So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. The farmer becomes rich, but still prefers the quiet of his farm, so he returns back to the farm. The horse still goes all over, now that he's been hired as a live musician for several talk shows, but he returns to the farm every so often to check in with the farmer and the farm animals. After a few months, the farmer discovers that a chicken can speak as well, and has a burning desire to play the drums. Despite the obvious punchline, the farmer buys a specialty set of drums for the chicken. The chicken forms a two animal band with the horse, and they tour the country, produce a few CD's, and make the farmer even more money. Soon, more animals, a donkey and a sheep join the band as the singer and the bassist. The chicken, sheep, and donkey are going to their next concert, but the horse flies back to the farm to find the farmer, sadly, dead in his bed. Never having experienced such deep sadness, the horse does what his human companions taught him: he goes to the bar, where he sees a newspaper that says the flight the sheep, donkey, and chicken crashed into the mountains, and none survived. The horse walks up to the bar, tears flowing from his eyes. The bartender looks up at the horse, and says "Why the long face?"
What’s the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws
Outlaws are wanted.
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the letteringโs all faded.
Iโm not sure whether itโs 2B or not 2B.
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game!
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?
Because theyโre full of Arab semen.