wHeN tHe DnA tEsT isn’t nEeDeD hAhA lOl 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning
They were great yolks
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
Another cow joke, proudly brought to you by a six year old:
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Teenage boy can’t figure out how his friend gets laid all the time — but he doesn’t
He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees. "All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time." The teenage boy does as instructed, but instead, the girls see him, scream and run away. "What did I do wrong?" the teenage boy asks his friend. The friend looks him over and shakes his head. "Christ, man. You're supposed to put it down the FRONT."
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.
The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But… you did touch the glass!" exclaims the Englishman. The Scot replies: "Aye, that I did. Here's your quid, and thanks for the cheap whisky."
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?
Mycoxafloppin
Someone looked at me at the store today and yelled “SIX FEET!”
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
Told a girl to text me when she got home.
She must be homeless.
An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.
“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.” “Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?” “Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.” “Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.” The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.” Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.” The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
This is almost a checklist of boomer. If it has a laughing crying emoji it would be perfect
https://ift.tt/2t64hKV
Relatable.
Relatable.
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
I asked my boss, “Can I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, “It’s May!”
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldn’t put it down
To be honest, this is the sub in a nutshell
https://imgur.com/a/7cAWQeD
Woman walks into a gun store.
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.