When the lecturer says they wrote an example paper
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
How do you get free tickets?
Drive over the speed limit.
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
boomer childhood hard, millennial childhood easy
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
That actually blows my mind…
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
Shared by my honorary boomer cousin
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool
Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..
Isn’t that communisme ?
The acorn doesn’t fall far.
Why don’t airline pilots get speeding tickets?
Because they are above the law.
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
So I followed their advice..
PhD in googling
Oh GOD !
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
Why is society like this?
I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
A Cockroach’s last words to a man
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
Reposted with names blurred
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
ah, yes, funny english jokes, clearly the peak of comedy
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
Newsweek is ok Donald, you’re probably thinking of some other business
4th graders know where it’s at!
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
So this is what social media has become.
Good ol’ days
just use the debugger!!!!!
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because its eeleagle.
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
Oh did you think you were getting a bite? 😆
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
hoffman would b proud
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
Two wives went out for girls’ night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says, "No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties." "You think you have it bad?", says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."
Africa only has two seasons
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.
integer, unsigned integer, and natural number. It’s just better
A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?" The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
Done my part.
Have you heard of the reverse exorcism?
It’s where the devil appears and asks the priest to get out of the child.
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My daughter asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I told her "No, I'm going to put it up in the living room."
Son: I’m gay, Dad.
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.