When the manager says we don’t need integration tests
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-1-400x433.png)
I used to know a guy who did circumcisions
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
My brother has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.
What do you get when rubbing two oranges together
Pulp friction
2 antennas got married last week. The wedding was kinda lame….
But the reception was amazing.
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan-di-navian
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
My son asked “daddy, did you pick your nose when you were young?”
“no, son, I was born with it.”
I saw a sign that said ‘do not touch’, however there was something weird about the sign….
I couldn't put my finger on it….
A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Now it's your turn to speak.
The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
Yesterday my 7 year old son asked me
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"
A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.
The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it. The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke. That night the inmates are calling out numbers again followed by great bouts of laughter. Wanting to fit in the man calls out '22'. Everything goes quiet and the man doesn't understand why. The next day he asks his new friend what went wrong, "was 22 not a funny joke?" "22 is one of the best jokes" came the reply. "Why did no one laugh then?" Said the man "It was the way you told it."
Found this on my computer science teacher’s webpage
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.
He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?" Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help." Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?" Officer: "On average, about two gallons."
A family at the dinner table
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
Hey, is your refrigerator running?
Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
Ever have your kid come up with a better punchline than your original?
I went to ask my daughter: Where do you park when you visit the moon? (Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!) But straight faced she replies: Anywhere you can find space. Then she grinned… (she knew what she was doing)… space dad. get it? in space…. Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
What’s black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.
Who really cares if I don’t know what apocalypse means?
It's not the end of the world
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…