When the OG come back in the game
Where is the safest place in your house during a zombie apocalypse?
The Living Room! Credit goes to this old man at my job. He's full of em.
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.
It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
Well, on the one hand your right,
and on the other, your left.
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
https://ift.tt/2vazgX4
An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.
'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.
Remember, having sex regularly is great for your memory!
Have an awesome 2016! ❤️
My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.
The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.” The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy” The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
When I was at the pool yesterday, I began peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in
My friend Jay just had twins and wants to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Yesterday my 7 year old son asked me
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said…
"So, how long have you been an instructor?"
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day…
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
The boomer who shared this made sure to let everyone know that the mechanic was his favorite
https://ift.tt/2Xp5fyC
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
No text found
What did the lawyer wear to his next case?
His Law Suit.
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away…
…a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?………… 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge…
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
