When the Ryzen 5 beats the Core i9
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied “minus one”, I said…
“Yours is one what?”
Donald J. Trump walks into a bar…
and lowers it
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
Yo Mama so fat
I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "5,000$" she replies. "5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "15,000$" she replies. "15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
I walked downstairs to find my daughter eating cereal in complete darkness
I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?" "A cereal killer" she replied. I have taught her well.
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
Today my daughter told me “Dad, your jokes are bad”
I was sad until she told me "Don't worry I'm just kidding, nothing could be father from the truth."
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,
“My roof has disappeared”
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
….I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
One takes photos, the other takes five toes!
I saw a fat bird down the pub
And her T-shirt said – Watch out, I'm a maneater! I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan." She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!" I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all." She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?." "That's not how you spell Manatee."
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
A black hole and a nebula go for a meal together at a restaurant…
The nebula orders a huge amount of food but the black hole just orders a drink and a small appetizer. The nebula says to the black hole, “Are you sure you don’t want more?” The black hole replies, “Nah, I eat light.”
I don’t know why I love bad puns so much
It’s just how eye roll
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?
Cause groups of fish are called schools
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room
They said: 'Thank you.' I said: 'Don't mention it.'
