When there’s something to hide
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel.
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.
He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What’s the difference between an Indian and African Elephant?
One’s an elephant.
As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
What is a Monarchist’s least favorite type of music?
Royalty free music
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend
Love meant nothing to her.
What type of bread can fly?
A plane bagel
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information. The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information. The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information. But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell. "How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home
Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before…
Trump congratulates state of Kansas after Chiefs win Super Bowl but they play in Missouri
https://ift.tt/38ZLyQv
My dad sent this to me this morning. He sends shit like this all the time unironically
https://ift.tt/2Xk88k7
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
What is a pirate’s favourite letter?
You may think it's R But his first love be the C