I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house.
Unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting…
…but all the seats were already taken.
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas (or any other special occasion)
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it
If every letter “t” was silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
My Wife wore a “Vaccines cause autism” shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
I always knock on the fridge door…
You never know when there may be a salad dressing.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital
One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions. As the doctor and visitor pass by a patient's room, they sae a man furiously masturbating. He has no blanket covering him, nor privacy curtain drawn. To the amazement of the visitor, the nurse in the room proceeds to go about checking his vitals and chart as of nothing was out of the ordinary. "My god!" Gasped the visitor "What is that man doing!?" The doctor quickly flipped through his notes. "Oh, you see, this man has an incredibly rare disorder where if he stops masturbating, his heart will explode." "Oh my," said the visitor "that poor man. What a terrible life to lead." With that, they continue down the hall until they happen across another room with the door wide open. The man inside is laying back in bliss while a pretty young nurse is enthusiastically sucking his dick. "Oh my god!" Screams the visitor "What on earth is going on here? This is completely unacceptable!" Once again, the doctor flips through his notes. "Oh. You see, this patient has the same disorder as the last one, but his health insurance is significantly better."
What’s a communists favorite part of math?
The distributive property.
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
…before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws
Outlaws are wanted
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
One day I would love to have sex in Space.
Or on Earth.
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck
A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by…
He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?" Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees. The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen. The guy dives right in, motorboating them like he's the captain of a ship and sucking and licking every square inch of em. About 10 minutes go by, and the somewhat frustrated lady says "Well are you gonna bite em?" The guy replies "No, because then I'd have to give you $1,000."
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
I won my first cage fight last night…
Parrot didn't know what hit it.
What did pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT. Deadant.
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
The waiter had a spoon in his pocket
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent." I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!