When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
A dad was washing his car with his son.
After a while, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey Dad, why can't we just use a sponge ?"
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest.
After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win. Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points. Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been three sequels (with a forth on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion. Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points. Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory. While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/Jokes with the title "STOLEN". When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/Jokes gets all the Up votes."
What does a grape say when it’s squashed?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
https://ift.tt/2z0JZoE
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?
There used to be 2 of them and now it’s a touchy subject
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?
one watches cells and one sells watches
There are two types of people in this world
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
Why is booze better than carrots?
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
Don’t throw a snake like a boomerang.
It'll come back to bite you.
I was at the zoo, and saw a baguette in a cage.
The Zookeeper said he was bread in captivity.
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold 😉
Daughter’s vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: “Ten dollars.” The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
I named my WiFi network after my wife.
They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.
One friend of mine is LITERALLY a legend…
He always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean.
Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.
Corona did what Trump promised
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium