When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
My Uncle used to say: “when one door closes, another opens”
He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
A lady comes home from her doctor’s
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
What happens if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it
What are German Nazis and grammar nazis both guilty of?
Crimes against piece
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
A man bought a bar
A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable. He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, especially after a few beers. Business started to boom and Blackie became somewhat of a public figure. One night Blackie was snoozing on the sidewalk outside the bar when a cyclist came speeding through and ran over her tail. She was taken to the vet and the tail unfortunately had to be amputated, but the man, being eccentric and deeply affectionate towards her, had it stuffed and mounted on the wall. Blackie lived many long and happy years after the incident, but the day came that she passed on. The bar owner, along with many community members were extremely saddened by the news. A few nights later, the man is cleaning up the bar in the early morning hours after shutting down for the night. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a dog approaching him from across the room. "Blackie, is that you?" The dog spoke. "Yes it's me, I am sorry that I that I left you. But I desperately need your help. I went to heaven after I died, but they won't let me in. God said that he can't let dogs into heaven if they don't have their tails, but since I was a good dog he let me come back for tonight to retrieve it. I know you still have mine and I need it back if I am ever to rest peacefully." The man replied, "I'm sorry Blackie, but you know I can't retail spirits after midnight."
I’ll never use that dictionary again…
The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion. He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do. The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?" "Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! " "Are you religious? the doctor asks. "Not at all," says the patient. "Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can." The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!" "No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
Finland have just closed their borders….
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
A cannibal is someone who…
…is fed up with people.
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!