When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats
This is known as many paws
It’s really gotten out of hand.
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.
So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she replied. Disappointed by her vulgar response, he decided she was not the girl for him. Two weeks later he met another fine upstanding church girl and resolved to put her to the same test. So when he took her home, he whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she answered. Deeply dejected, he concluded that she, too, failed to meet his requirements. Two weeks later, he met another sweet girl and invited her home. He whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ She giggled and said: ‘A pee-pee.’ That was exactly the sort of innocent answer he was looking for, and the pair began dating. Soon they married and settled down to enjoy their life together. But whenever she saw him naked, she giggled and said: ‘That’s your pee-pee.’ Whilst he found it endearing at first, it eventually began to grate a little, so he thought he ought to correct her. ‘Look,’ he explained, ‘this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.’ She laughed and said: ‘No, it’s not. A cock is ten inches long and black.’
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
There's too much sax and violins
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
Because it waxes
Long answer: yes.
I swam for the surface instead
They didn't even do anything.
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
That’s just how I roll.
Not what you are thinking.
But enough about my day, how was yours?
It's the neighborhood watch.
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
They're all back stabbers
Everyone keeps raving about their new deli…
Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song. There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank…shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal. Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived. 500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons" "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
I was in the ladies bathroom.
Because OMG they can’t even.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
A humble bee
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Anna one, Anna two!