When work and personal life collide
A string walks into a bar
He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
Scientifically a raven has 17 primary wing feathers.
The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
They told me I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
-I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What’s the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
Someone told me my clothes were gay
I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
Support your local mailman
On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash. At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars. At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by an attractive woman in her lingerie. She took him up to her bedroom and made fabulous love to him. When he was satisfied, she brought him downstairs to the kitchen, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, with eggs benedict and bacon and waffles and pancakes and Espresso. While he enjoyed it, she went to her purse, pulled out a dollar bill, and presented it to him. "All this was lovely," John said, "but what’s the dollar for?" "Well," the woman said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "fuck him. Give him a dollar." "Breakfast was my idea!"
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes.
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
Why did the blond put lipstick on her fourhead?
Because she wanted to make her mind.
A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."
My grief counselor died today.
Luckily for me he was so good, I didn't give a shit.
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.