When work and personal life collide

An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

It’s a gift.

Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.

But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…

They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play. One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus. The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down. Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down. The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.” The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eying the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing” The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it”

He went ice skating before it was cool.

Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.

You boil the hell out of it.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.

How do you ruin a joke?

A four-chin teller.

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. …Grasshopper? –Yes, Master Po. You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid shit!

For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.

An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. The farmer becomes rich, but still prefers the quiet of his farm, so he returns back to the farm. The horse still goes all over, now that he's been hired as a live musician for several talk shows, but he returns to the farm every so often to check in with the farmer and the farm animals. After a few months, the farmer discovers that a chicken can speak as well, and has a burning desire to play the drums. Despite the obvious punchline, the farmer buys a specialty set of drums for the chicken. The chicken forms a two animal band with the horse, and they tour the country, produce a few CD's, and make the farmer even more money. Soon, more animals, a donkey and a sheep join the band as the singer and the bassist. The chicken, sheep, and donkey are going to their next concert, but the horse flies back to the farm to find the farmer, sadly, dead in his bed. Never having experienced such deep sadness, the horse does what his human companions taught him: he goes to the bar, where he sees a newspaper that says the flight the sheep, donkey, and chicken crashed into the mountains, and none survived. The horse walks up to the bar, tears flowing from his eyes. The bartender looks up at the horse, and says "Why the long face?"

1forrest1

Crows had to drink at home.

https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg

Sometimes he laughs.

All of them.

The Plagueground

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

Number

Is he guilty of resisting a rest

I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. ​ Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. ​ The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. ​ Angela said to the ten-year-old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." ​ The 10-year-old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."

Because I suck at tennis.

But, I just didn't have the patients…

"Are you calling me a lyre?!"

Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

I've named him Alen.

And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!

I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.

I don't know where I'd be without it

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.