My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.
I want to be a pick-up artist
But I don't even have a drivers licence
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
Alabama currently has the highest rate of adultery.
It's the state of affairs.
A man visits the council to apply for a job
During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles" After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day" The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck
They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied. The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat. The man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast. He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. Anything.” The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities. “Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”
How many “friendzoned” nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
Three men died and ended up in Hell…
They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way. The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist. The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist. The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?" The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."
Thank god Canada’s not the global super power
Or we'd all be sorry
Son: “Do you want the wooden one or the plastic one?”
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
Tequila wont fix your life..
..But its definitely worth a shot.
What did the bee say to the daffodil? 🌼
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice.
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it
What kind of music does a balloon liseten to?
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.
Especially because his name’s Steve.
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
Shockly shocks users into self-improvement. Homeroom Homies beloved jails will be the new college. Introducing Special Situations, the first blog focusing on entrepreneurs in post-moral markets.
Special Situations explores nascent opportunities in markets defined by post-moral dynamics. A market is “post-moral” if participants claim to be agnostic about how I’m their products or used, or the consequences of their use, but rely on the product to be used immorally to profit.Each post interviews a founder operating in a post-moral space.Our first interview was with Preston Everblue, founder of Homeroom Homies, who believes prison will be the new college.Homeroom HomiesOur first interview was with Sarah Dermer, founder of Shockly, who believes calibrated shocks delivered through special glasses can encourage self-improvement — within bounds agreed to be corporate partners. ShocklyPlease sign up! [special situations ](specialsituations.substack.com)If you don’t like emails, follow me, Chad Lin, on Twitter @thechadlin.
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, “Wait, I can change!”
How does a Rabbi make tea?
Hebrews it
My kid just told me she’s scared of Santa.
She’s Claustrophobic
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
I work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital.
It's a re-warding job.
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.