When you can’t find a 2
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
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I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now? Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
After all, it's cooked doe.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
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People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
Because bugs are attracted to light
He said it was absolutely sublime.
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
I never knew my real ladder.
That she was a little boulder.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
Because nothing gets under their skin
I’m gonna put my glasses on
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
But when it does, no one is shocked.