When you can’t find a 2
![[Everyone liked that], ruining decent memes since 2018.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/bkute5ld1v051-400x571.jpg)
My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
I’m legally changing my last name to Osophy
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
No text found
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
A man takes his wife to get tested
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now? Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
I believe that venison made from female deer should be classed as a form of bread.
After all, it's cooked doe.
Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
I’m writing a mystery novel
No text found
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Because bugs are attracted to light
I asked a friend what he thought of dry ice.
He said it was absolutely sublime.
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
Do mom jokes count?
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
Had to quit my job at the muffler centre
Too exhausting
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
I
J
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
Do you wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin
Just so everybody is clear
I’m gonna put my glasses on
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
AMD employee FIGHTS INTEL and NVIDIA employees infront of FANBOYS!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNUMLH-diGw
