When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet?
Because he spends years at C!
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
You’ll get Jurasskiced
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
My 77 year old dad said this last night
So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”
How do billboards talk?
Sign language
A man walks into a saloon
…he takes off his hat and throws it in an arc. Six men lose their hats. Everyone is impressed, they yell out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Hat-Bill." Another man walks in, grabs his gun and fires off six rounds. Six men lose their hats. The crowd yells out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Gun-Bill." A third man walks in. He has six arms. In a flash, he grabs the hats off the heads of six men. Everyone is speechless. Finally, one guy yells: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me… …Chernobyl."
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
“knock knock”
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
How do you find a velociraptor?
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
Re-watching it now and the scene at the cement place lol
Re-watching it now and the scene at the cement place lol
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What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
BANG BANG BANG
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.
One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold shoulder. Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is furious that he would disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a long time. Finally it's our turn and Ving tells me he has picked "Lee" as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about disrespecting their ancestry. Then it's time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can't do it. The lady at the desk says it’s ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. "DAD!" Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, "Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
Dad! Why do my friends in Europe call me Kilometers?
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
The past present and future got into an argument while camping.
http://bit.ly/2BE6vBp
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
Well, it’s finely chopped bits of cabbage and carrots
Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?
Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all