When you donate food to a church…
is it parishable?
“Yes, we arson.”
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
The driver then starts to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio isn't even turned on. The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence. "Hey, ma-" "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks. "Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet." "What did you do before this?" "I drove a hearse."
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball. Man: God damnit, I missed. A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again Man: Damnit, I missed again! Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell. The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail. Man: God fucking damnit! The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
“You know, one would have been enough”
Vegans rub it in your face for free.
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
This post says otherwise
Magician: Looking at pear “You’re ugly!”
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
I'm not buying it
… for putting her hair in a bun.
It's easy, if you make B leave.
All the walls are load-bearing.
It’s my ankle.
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
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Me: sipping toast Why?
The times are rough
Nevermind, it's tearable.
because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
A private tutor!!! Ha!