When you finished your project…
Made this myself
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in the wardrobe?
I said its Narnia business
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.
She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”
Google knows me
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans… … walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group… "You can't come in here without a Thai."
Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
Found on the wild
I write codes…!
Stay away from my ram 😭
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
Got a new Tatoo
Mean people suck
The cocaine that I bought is so white..
..That the cops just let it go with a warning.
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
Karma issa bitc…
My dog has a creepy obsession with trees…
All he ever does is talk about their skin…
A kid asks his mom:
Mom, what’s dark humor? Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap Mom! I'm blind…. Exactly.
Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..
He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.
I always knock on the fridge door…
You never know when there may be a salad dressing.
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
Or your lab goggles
A slice of pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
When is a mom joke clearly a dad joke?
When It's trans-parent.
Once I was a noob
Using Kubernetes to deploy Hello World application
I decided to try something new and get my wife a box of red hot chili peppers for Valentines
she told me "give it away, give it away, give it away NOW" !
I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults.”
Good Dad, terrible geologist.
It was a better time
Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.
General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor. Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their commander in chief, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again. Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the General "How many is a brazillion?"
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger at him alarmingly and yells “HEY!”
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Brushing your teeth is essential
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.
That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.
It works don’t touch it
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
Tutorial: How to gain 500 Coin on Reddit without upvote or luck!! SAFE METHOD
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
End the War on Drugs
Cohesion and adhesion
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
I am so great!!
Reading a book ..will it make you cry?
Null Pointer Exception
These Hypocritical politicians voted against paid sick leave
“Poppa Capp” and “MEW”
I need them.
An old boomer comic I found in my history textbook
Sadder or Funnier?
This could get interesting
This is from my 23 year old boomer driend
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder!
Please keep scrolling if you have a fragile male ego
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Cause then it would be a foot….
A crow was arrested an put behind bars.
His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him. "How bad is it?" The crow asked. "Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone." "So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide." "They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said. "So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all to busy anyway" "You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied "They've got you on attempted murder!"
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the *lawyer was banging his head against the wall.* He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
F AF and sad