Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder!
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
Did you hear about the dog who chased cars all day? He got exhausted.
But at least he is better off than the guy who was chased by a bus. That guy was tired.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!
Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014
A girl once said about me “He’s the one!”
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
Believing only 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth theist.
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
Communist jokes can be funny
But only if everyone gets them
Chubby Karen unable to pray Covid-19 away. Unfortunately, Lots of them to go.
https://ift.tt/39SbQEm
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
Wanna know what gets me down
Stairs
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once
It’s a four loaf cleaver
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
A Conman, Moron and Rapist walks into a Bar
Bartender asks “What would you like, Mr. President?”
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months……
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
How can you tell an ant’s gender?
Simple, put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.