I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa
Not screaming like the passengers in the car.
What is the difference between an epileptic clam shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits.
I guess I can’t really be mad about seeing the same jokes made on this sub
With a whole profession built around copy and pasting stack overflow it only makes sense you guys would copy and paste the same jokes over and over again
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, ‘what would Jesus do?’
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his food before it was cool.
A guitarist goes to prison
In the cafeteria, everyone is telling stories on why they’re here One man explains how he got caught robbing a bank Another tells the story of him getting busted selling drugs Another says how he killed someone Then they all ask the guitarist why he’s in here He replied: I fingered the wrong minor
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
I started a company…
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
How did the cannabis propose?
Marriage you wanna?
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)
"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."
The garbage man looks sad.
Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
No text found
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Today, in honor of 4/20, I’m letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.
It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
Me: What’s the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what’s the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,
but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing. To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot tree. Finally, he takes his axe up to an 80 foot redwood, swings, and the giant tree comes tumbling down. The boss is amazed, and asks the man how he learned to do that. The man says "I practiced in the Sahara forest." "Don't you mean the Sahara desert?" The boss asks. "Well yes," says the old man, "that's what they call it now."
How To Convince Your Wife You Haven’t Been Drinking
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub…
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
A string walks into a bar
He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."