When you get roasted by the nerd
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
(Forgets Ferbruaury has that weird amount of days)
(Forgets Ferbruaury has that weird amount of days)
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.
A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
I have a fear of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
How do you know when a herpetologist is really upset?
They're throwing a hissy fit.
My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy." EDIT: formatting…
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
NASA was preparing for the Apollo project
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin
It's what he would have wanted…
Pretty woman sneezes…
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Who Did Princess Leia’s Hair? (My daughter’s joke)
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.
GC: I'll direct LD: I'll produce MM: I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But then I turned myself around.
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
No text found
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?
Around the world in eighty days.
What’s the least spoken language?
Sign language.
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said
Are they all they were cracked up to be?