Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, Iβm sure heβll grow up to be a great dad π)
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
Iβm sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but Iβm sticking to my guns
A fisherman walks into r/jokes…
A fisherman walks into r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after weβd eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
My wife thinks I donβt give her enough privacy…
At least, thatβs what she said in her diary
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up…
He said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his companyβs party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didnβt taste like alcohol at all. He didnβt even remember how he got home from the partyβ¦ As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: βHoney, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillianβ. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, βSonβ¦ what happened last night?β βWell, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.β Confused, he asked his son, βSo, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??β His son replies, βOh THATβ¦ Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, βLeave me alone, Iβm married!!β
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition.
Everyone was excited at the autopsy club…
It was open Mike night.
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
A kid asks his mom:
Mom, whatβs dark humor? Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap Mom! I'm blind…. Exactly.
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
If I could shoot rockets out of my feet,
I would call them missile toes. Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"