When you have to spend 2 ATP to start glycolysis but end up with 36 more
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
I’ve been diagnosed with the fear of giants…
…feefiphobia
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
The FBI had an open position for an assassin…
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar…
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒
I don’t think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,
It was an unpleasant asscent.
My friend complained to me that her new Saab 9-5 was having engine problems.
I told her I didn’t want to hear her Saab story.
I can explain…
https://ift.tt/39ehIIv
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
They were watch dogs.
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
I wrote a book about my love of punctuation.
The Comma Sutra.
If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking Marijuana do?
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her" The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home. Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying ?
“Are you having a crisis ?”
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
Sharing one of the best Facebook pages for Computer Science memes.
Hi everyone,Please visit https://ift.tt/2Kh2Yho to check out some of the funniest memes on Computer Science. Also, do share the memes you want to get posted here (with credits given of course).
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.
Anyone Can Fall in Love
There were two antennas on top of a skyscraper collecting radio signals. They meet, fall in love and decide to get married. The wedding wasn’t much to talk about, but the reception was excellent. 😜
