when you leave the company that you have been working at for years but the ssh key for the main server still works
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
Would we call her Fe-Male?
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
I don't know and I don't care.
…I only drive it from time to time.
It was the least I could do
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! “What was that?” she asks. “Oh, don’t worry about that,” says Saint Peter, “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.” A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. “What was that?!” she asked anxiously. “Oh ,don’t worry,” says Saint Peter soothingly, “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.” The lady starts to back away. “Where are you going?” asks Saint Peter. “I think I’ll go downstairs, if it’s all the same to you,” says the lady. “But you can’t go there,” says the saint, “You’ll be raped and sodomized!” “It’s OK,” says the lady, “I’ve already got the holes for that.”
My bank account.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The ass hole is usually in charge.
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
He's being smog
I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.
Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
Long answer: yes.
Those were the Good Years.
I take something for it.
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"
Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly Ages 32-55: Try-weekly Over 55: Try-weakly
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. 'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'
He was asked – Q 1. When did India get Independence? He answered – The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947. Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence? Answer – There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. Q 3. Do you think, Corruption is the greatest enemy of the country? Answer – A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report. The Interview Board was impressed by his original ideas. They asked him to wait outside; but also advised him not to reveal the questions, as they may ask the same questions to other candidates also. When the young man went out of the room, (there was other Person waiting for the interview outside the room). Person(2) inquired about the questions asked. The young man said that he had promised the interview board not to disclose the questions. But, Person(2) found a way out. "Tell me the answer you gave." The young man, thought it to be okay, as he was not going back on his words of "not disclosing the QUESTIONS". So he gave him the three answer which Person(2) quickly learnt by heart. When person(2) went in for interview, this is what happened. Q 1. When were you born? Person(2):- The efforts started long back, but could succeed in 1947. Interviewers got confused…they asked next question. Q 2. What is your father's name? Person(2) :- There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. The board members were shocked at the reply..they said. Q 3. Are you mad? Person(2) :- A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report.
So now we use lube
I have no words for how angry I am.
Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran very quickly. – "I can't run that fast" – The monk thought. He started training. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the fastest monk in the whole world. He then returned to his farm. As always, the thief appeared and took 3 carrots. The monk started chasing him through the fields until they reached a fence. The thief jumped over it, but the monk stopped. – "I can't jump that high" – He thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the highest jumping monk. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence and they arrive at a lake. The thief jumps into it and swims away. – "I can't swim" – The monk thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the best swimmer among all monks. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, they reach a mountain and the thief climbs it. – "I can't climb" – The monk thought. He started training climbing for days, weeks, months, until he became the best monk mountaineer in the world. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arived at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way. Suddenly, he punches the monk in the stomach. – "I can't fight" – the monk thought. He started training for days, weeks, months, until he became the best boxer of all monks. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arive at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way and knocks him down with one punch. – "Why are you only stealing 3 carrots at a time?" – He asked the thief. – "I will tell you, but promise to never tell anybody". And the monk kept his promise.
Quick answers please.
The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
I just don't see it myself
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps. “It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice. “$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.” The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”