When you make an im-opposum-ible pun, and you get the look.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I can’t stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
No text found
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges,
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we are having for dinner tonight
She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
It’s ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom…
… unless they're flashing behind you.
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women
Everybody knows Dave!
Everybody knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
I don’t know if this qualifies but I laughed when I first saw it and now it makes me sad…
https://ift.tt/2SRCrwy
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually