A bunch of dudes in cosplay who want to keep the status quo of constant mass shootings
https://ift.tt/2TJFWVZ
My boss called this morning and shouted,
“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.” “Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied. “Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.” So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”
This guy walked up to the counter and said ‘Burger and chips please,’
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
4 people on a raft each have a cigarette but no way to light them. One of them throws their cigarette over board..
And the raft becomes a cigarette lighter
I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.
She believes I'm only after my money.
Some things go without saying:
No text found
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her. Stranger: What is your name, sad lady Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it. Edit: Wow, thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
“I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds”
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
“How long do you think that fence is?”
“I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane
Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is… " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,…It's burning.. This is going to hurt… It's burning." A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap… you should see my pants." One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"
My family treats me as though I’m a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle.
The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is going to be one hell of a week.
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.