When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are to be killed and skinned, and that their skins will be made into canoes to float on the pool as a permanent reminder, but in one last act of mercy, he will grant them one last request, so the Frenchman pipes up, "I would like a knife, Si vous plait", so he is brought a knife and he plunges it into his chest, "you savages will never kill me! Vive la France!" and he dies. The Englishman is asked what he wants and also requests a knife, and also plunges it into his chest, "you will never kill me! God save the Queen!". The natives then turn to the Australian, and surprisingly he requests a fork, they oblige and hand him on, and he starts stabbing himself all over, the natives are looking in surprise and he looks at them and says, "well there goes your fuckin' canoe"
Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” Mike asks, “How do you know?” Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”.
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
First of all, it’s a long one and I am not a native speaker. Would be great if within the comments some native speakers might improve it so it is even better for the people to follow 😉 I will update the joke after some time! Thanks!! And now Let’s start! ——— JOKE STARTS HERE ——- There is guy who had not had sex for a veeeeery long time. As he is single and some dates went against his expectations he wants to go to a brothel to have a nice time. He takes a cab and after a short ride and a grinning face of the cab driver he arrived at his destination. At the entry he is asked by the bawd what his preferences are. „Nothing special. I just want to have a good time. Can you recommend someone or something?“ „Uhhh…there is someone really special now for few days in this location!“ „Whats so special about her?“ the guy asked quite interested. „Simple. She is giving you a blowjob and whilst doing this will sing a beautiful song!“ „How the fuck is this possible???“ „No idea. You have to try! Last floor. 3rd door!“ The guy puts his money on the table and runs upstairs standing in front of the said door. Slowly opening there is a beautiful woman sitting in a room on her bed. The guy jumps in with a lot of anticipation immediately getting nude and asking the woman she shall start with what the bawd had told. The woman is looking at him smiling: „Wow. Someone can’t wait anymore. But first you have to play my rules!“ „Huh!?!“, the guy replied bewildered. „The rules are clear: You sit on my bed. Getting nude – that’s what you already have done this time. I will shut down the lights, entering the bathroom enclosed to this room. Will come back after I have prepared few things and will start with the show!“ „Ok.“ the guy responded confused, but yet willing to follow what she has said. And there it goes. Lights go out. She walks into the bathroom. Comes back. And the show starts with an oral explosion. And if this might be enough the woman sings the most beautiful version of “somewhere over the rainbows” he ever heard. After 30 secs he cums grabbing the hairs of the woman. The woman stops. And asks the guy to just wait for a moment and puts the light on! The guy is just completely impressed and gets back home. Laying home in his bed he is still thinking about this awkward blowjob and tries to figure out how the fuck this woman can give the best and tightest blowjob he ever received, but yet is singing like a goddess. “How the fuck is this possible?”, he thinks and swears to find out the next day paying attention to every detail. Next day. Next evening. The guy is standing in front of the bawd again. Throwing once again his money on the table and yelling “The singing woman again!”. The bawd just grins and opens the door to the stairs. Last floor. Third door. The woman recognizes him and tells him he has to follow the rules! So he sits down on the bed getting nude. Light are turned off. The woman goes to the bathroom. Comes back in darkness and starts to blow and sing. The orgasm is awesome and the song is brilliant. Evening and adventure ends. So he is laying in his bed again at home and still has no fucking clue what happened. “Tomorrow i will find out. There must be a rational solution to all of this!” And so he decides to visit the brothel ONE more time the next evening. The bawd laughs. “Once again our special blowjob??” “Yes!”. So he runs upstairs and he fucking swears to find out the secret today! The woman awaits him. And reminds him to follow the rules otherwise he will be kicked out with no cash back!! “I do!! I do!!!” So the lights been shut down. He sits in the bed and this time…instead of getting nude…he decides to turn on the light. So he triggers the switch. Enlightening the room. And as the guy inspects the room. He sees a glass eye on the night stand next to the bed.
I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas
Because they have a supreme ruler.
and it's fucking discussing.
With just the tip.
…probably explains why her marriage collapsed
The rest, as they say, is History.
Chicken sees a salad
They have no Seoul .
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning life, if a little boring. One afternoon, all three are sitting on the beach, watching the most beautiful sunset they have seen in their lives. And the man starts feeling melancholy. He feels empty, almost, like there is a pit in the bottom of his stomach. He soon realizes that this emptiness can only be fulfilled by a womanly touch. He glances over to the pig, and imagines it as a beautiful, completely stunning woman. He leans in to kiss her, and just as their lips are about to meet, the dog jumps up and starts barking, snapping the man out of his trance. A few weeks later, a woman washes up on shore. She soon becomes an integral part of their small society, looking for food, helping the man skin and cook animals, and being an all-around happy presence on this deserted island. On another afternoon, much like the one previously mentioned, the four are staring out into an incredible sunset, and the man, he starts feeling this feeling again. This feeling of melancholy, that which only a woman can cure. He looks over at the woman who washed up in this island, this beautiful woman, and he says, “Do you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Would it become an Edison?
The population of this country is 327 million. 76 million are retired. That leaves 251 million to do the work. There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled. Which leaves 203 million to do the work There are 74 million children younger than 6 Which leaves 129 million to do the work There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school. Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work. At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military. Leaving 14.8 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East. Which leaves 12 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice.
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
Because they were not E
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
Water, to cool him down.
"Don't worry. I'm fine."