The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.
Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling." Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting." Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on." All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob. Her Majesty: "Now what's this?" Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad…
I take something for it.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife
She asked, "how many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said, "it's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
What starts with 0 and end with 0?
My bank account.
Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home…….
……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
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What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’Furniture
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
They say “You are what you eat”, and they are right.
A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken.
My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear because they are out of fashion. She was cold, so I gave her the new birthday sweater you never wear because the colour doesn’t suit you. Her trousers had holes in them, so I gave her a pair of yours that don’t fit you any more. Then, as this poor girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more?” . . . So here we are!’
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
What do you call a dolphin that never ends?
Dol, cause there’s no “fin.”
Sperm donors wanted
Please come quickly.
My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me