My dad was a WWII veteran.
During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis. Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except the movie Up. He’s never gonna give you Up.
“knock knock”
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
An old woman asks her husband of 60 years
"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?". "My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied. "And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked. "I think I've done a pretty good job"
I use to be addicted to tide pods.
But I'm clean now.
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, "It's a date."
What do you call a cheap cicumcision?
A rip off.
I’m running out of drugs and drug $$ not even sure if I’m doing this right…..
https://ift.tt/2Z0YCDy
a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,
When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too. She said: "Let's start with a 69" The Country Boy replied: "What's that?" With that she got him into position, and they went at it Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on She tried holding it back, but she figured the Country Boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip Less than a Minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well After that, the Country Boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed The City Girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The Country Boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those"
Just spent 8 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a waist of time.
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me…
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
I can’t find my “Gone in 60 seconds” DVD
It was here a minute ago
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
They told me I’d never be good at Poetry because I’m Dyslexic.
But so far I’ve made 2 Vases and a Jug and they are lovely.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
Never challenge death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
To avoid being raped when I went to jail, I stuck a tube of toothpaste up my ass…
…for complete cavity protection…
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers haven’t been affected tho."
If I won $300,000, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
What did the painter say after his vehicle was stolen?
Where’d the Van Gogh?
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
Batman
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression." "Go on then" the second one says. "OK, here we go…" the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!" The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN" "Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."