A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented
Most crows drank at home
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
Condom expiration dates are a little misleading
because I get sick no matter when I eat them.
What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as you can get.
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
When I was in college, I used to drink beer in my underwear.
Now I use a glass.
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Time will tell.
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
The pub was pretty wild last night,
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!" I said: "Hi leaving I'm John!" The wedding is next month
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
Wikipedia says there are only 2 atms in Antarctica.
But you shouldn't use them unless you want your assets frozen.
My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.
Now they just call me Dav.
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl…
…that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin…
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven….
1st Woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd Woman: Hi Sylvia! How’d you die? 1st Woman: I froze to death! 2nd Woman: How horrible! 1st Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I can home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv. 1st Woman: So, what happened? 2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st Woman: Too bad you didn’t check in the freezer…..we’d both still be alive! My father everyone! 😁
People say I’m a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.
Before going to bed a girl says:
“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.” The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again: “Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.” The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says: “Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.” When the dad gets home from work he says “Honey I have had the most insane day!” The Mother says: “Me too! The postman died on the front yard!”
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer