Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren’t silent. They’re just waiting their turn.
Why aren’t people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.
Because of the telly ban
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.
His dad replied, "no son".
Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip….
On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital. Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery. After many hours of waiting, the surgeon finally comes to speak with him. “Mr. Smith, I’ve got some bad news for you. Your wife has been paralyzed from the neck down. She will be unable to perform even the most basic functions as a human being. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her clothes, clean up her stool, and take her to many, many appointments for the rest of her life. This will be a true test of your love for this woman.” Upon hearing this news, Mr. Smith breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Just then, the surgeon smiles and pats him on the back. “Relax Mr. Smith. I was just fucking with ya….she’s dead.”
I can never go back
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy attends Surgery and the doctor enquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
But no one has given me a straight answer
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
I think it’s wrong that only one company…
…makes the game Monopoly.
Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them. The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says…
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic." "Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." "Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?" "Of course, my son." "Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
I almost got raped in jail
My family takes monopoly too seriously
I used to be addicted to not showering…
I’m proud to say I’m officially clean!