A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
The John Lennon Airport has been quarantined
Imagine all the people
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
How are you going to plant any flowers
If you haven’t botany?
My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
What’s Forrest Gumps password?
1forrest1
My Reddit account has been hacked. If anyone gets a message from me about meat
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
I used a penny stamp to mail a love note. But instead of writing it, I only sprayed it with my favorite cologne.
With a cent, I sent a scent.
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
An African woman called Betty came into the restaurant.
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, “no, black Betty It’s ham or lamb.”
“Dad, can I go to the Renaissance festival?”
Dad: No. You’re grounded. Son: No fair! Dad: That’s exactly what I said.
My 77 year old dad said this last night
So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
How can you tell if an ant is male or female?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.
A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed. It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. Unfortunately, it takes him a while to gather the medicines he thinks he might need and the checkout line is longer than normal. He buys some cold medicine, some pain killers and some cough drops for the next day. When he is finally done, he heads home. It is now quite dark and a chill has set in so he is not in the best of spirits. When he makes it back to the graveyard, a cloud passes in front of the moon. Luckily he knows the graveyard well and can navigate it without a problem. It's quiet and he hears a noise behind him. thump thump thump He looks around but can't see anything in the dark. He quickens his pace. He hears the sound again, but louder. THUMP THUMP THUMP He is genuinely frightened now and starts to run. The sound grows louder still. THUMP THUMP THUMP As he's running, he glances back and the moon emerges from behind the clouds. To his horror, he sees a coffin, standing on end, bounding towards him. THUMP THUMP THUMP He breaks into a sprint and slams the gate to his yard shut as he passes by. The coffin breaks through the gate, unhindered. THUMP THUMP THUMP He slams the door to his house and frantically locks it. The coffin breaks down the door. THUMP THUMP THUMP He scrambles to the end of the room and knocks a table over to block it's path. The coffin breaks through the table. THUMP THUMP THUMP He cowers against the wall, sure that his fate is sealed. In a last ditch effort, he tosses the cough drops at it. And the coffin stops.
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
Son: Daddy my shoes don’t fit right.
Me: That's because they're on the wrong feet. Son: But they're the only feet I have.
Shout out to the guy that makes these sausages
In my heart, he'll always be a wiener
Ever hear the one about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well Well Well